The night that will take us away
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: At least in the darkness it was easier to hide their most shameful acts. WK fic.
1. Tired to play

_**I'm so tired of playing**_

_**Playing with this bow and arrow**_

_**Gonna give my heart away**_

**Portishead, Glory Box  
**

The cigarette made contact with her lips, she closed her eyes. The coldness of the window against her bare temple was provoking a sudden contrast with the heat of the smoke invading her lungs, making them look blurry and untouchable.

Perhaps one day it would reach her mind, steal her heart.

A chill ran down her spine, slowly. She smiled. The singular sensation owned burning shades of some subtle seduction, a sort of arousing reaction. She loved it.

Her fingers slid down on her satin negligee then stopped on her thigh while her left foot was balancing nonchalantly in the air, following the seconds passing by.

The door of the bathroom opened. He switched the light off, made a few steps towards her then leaned on the armchair with his eyes devouring her in silence. Men never got over her curves, the exact essence of her feminine charms. But driving them crazy had ceased for a very long time to be exciting.

"Do you want to have some drink at the bar?"

She shook her head and looked at the street by the window. New York by night had always had her preference. At least in the darkness you could hide some of your most shameful acts and the world looked better then; quiet and lit up by a million artificial neon. It seemed to be alive but for a complete unknown reason.

"You can go now…"

Within a second his lips found her earlobe and he began to suck on it. She gave him more access, leaned her head backwards; smiled while her fingers went through his hair.

"What if I want to stay?"

His voice was hoarse and hot against her flesh. She shivered, swallowed hard.

"Then unless you're waiting for another woman you'll have to satisfy your own desires by yourself. I have to go. He never goes to bed before I'm at home."

The remark made him laugh. She stared at him, raised a defiant eyebrow but finally abandoned the cause. He was right.

"The situation may be ridiculous but it's the way things are for Stan. I guess I owe him that."

"I thought you didn't depend from anyone."

"You know what I mean."

Tension grew unexpectedly. She suddenly stood up, one more time unable to face whatever could be identified as dysfunctional and began to rummage through her bag, aimlessly. His sigh weighed on her heart, made her feel sad if not sorry. But her lips remained locked and her back turned at him.

"Are you available tomorrow?"

"No, I'll be in Denver for a few days; business meeting."

"Oh…"

She would call Jack then, or Grace; anything to spend another evening far from her so-called marriage. Leading her own life had become way too addicting to suddenly come back in some false routine with Stanley. Drinking to forget had its charms until you reached its limits, crossed them and got lost on the other side. At least when she was out she didn't need it to keep on smiling if not just breathe; to keep on living.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Why I'm going to miss you, honey."

Matter-of-factly; she zipped up her skirt, whispered blankly.

"I'm going to miss you."

His hand travelled on her buttocks. She didn't push him away.

"See, whenever I try to be romantic you only think dirty. Men are obsessed…"

Her silk blouse caressed her shoulders and she buttoned it, rolled her eyes as his fingers went down her breasts.

"And you like it."

She couldn't help laughing. At some point in her life she would have simply giggled, almost aroused by the remark. But it had faded away at the same time than the rest _ a couple of dreams and some things to forget _ and got substituted by a lonely bitterness. So she let them do, let them believe.

Who really cared if all they wanted was just her body?

As long as she got satisfied, she had no reason to turn them down.

"Have you been seeing someone lately?"

He suddenly froze and looked at her with perplexity, obviously uncomfortable.

"We never signed any clause of exclusivity."

A trashcan; she felt like a trashcan but pushed the idea away immediately. A reassuring smile; men always needed one.

"I know. It's pure curiosity…"

He never answered, only grabbed his jacket and kissed her lips before closing the door behind him. She stayed still for a couple of seconds, staring blankly at the space where he had been standing; the typical loneliness that used to follow wrapping up her mind little by little.

She turned the light on in the bathroom and came to face her reflection, a bit abruptly. She observed her features, the way they looked deep and cold. She seemed tired. All of a sudden she let go of her mascara and it rolled on the marble countertop before landing in the sink. She never broke eye-contact with the image sent back by the mirror. It was hypnotizing, painfully real.

She clenched her fists and burst into tears.

From the other side of the city Grace grabbed her cell phone and dialed on it furiously.

_Hi this is Will Truman but I'm not available right now. Please leave me a message and I will call you back later. Thanks._

The beep pierced her ears but she remained quiet, way too confused to articulate the slightest word while a harsh realization was gaining more and more territory in her head.

She was losing him.

He stepped into a cab and closed his eyes, swallowed hard.

"Riverside Drive, please."

The car disappeared in the night.


	2. The last time

**_Leave it to the other girls to play_**

**_For I've been a temptress too long_**

**Portishead, Glory Box**

"Sometimes I lay there and imagine what my life would be if he were dead. I never come to any conclusion. My wonders are blank, cold and bare. But the plot is more or less the same, always. I know that it is wrong. I know that a lot of things are wrong but I can't help myself. Yes, sometimes I wish he were dead."

Her tiptoes made contact with the sheets, drawing invisible circles on them before her foot finally sliding up her leg in a slow caress. In a mechanical gesture she brought the cigarette to her lips then closed her eyes as the smoke invaded her lungs. There was nothing bewitching in it, not anymore. It had turned into an old, sticky addiction to prevent her body from going crazy.

"I am not saying that I want to kill him. I just wish he could disappear. Maybe then I would feel…"

What was the word she was looking for? She passed her tongue over her lips and frowned, absorbed in the concentration of her thoughts.

"I guess I would feel relieved."

The murmur almost died in her throat. She swallowed hard, burying some tears that were asking to come out. She sighed.

Regretful, bitter; a whole series of dark emotions had wrapped up her heart without her noticing it _ probably a long time ago _ and now she was trapped into their melancholic melody.

"It is wrong to wish anyone's death, even your worst enemy's. Why did I come to this point? When did it go wrong and I lost control of everything? Perhaps I should say 'we'… I am not the only one to blame in this story."

The door of the bathroom opened. She turned her head around and stared at Will.

"Whom were you talking to, Karen?"

She counted until five then shrugged. The sheets slid down her chest, a little, and she felt the air hit her bare shoulders. She didn't move though.

"Nobody, honey…"

Will nodded absent-mindedly, already focused on his old and reassuring routine. He grabbed his coat, put it on and left.

"See you tomorrow."

Every time the door got closed behind him, something began to shake in Karen's body, like a slap in your face that would stir up an odd self-defense reaction. For a couple of seconds everything ceased before finally coming back to normal but with such abruptness that you couldn't control this sentiment of scare running through your veins, nourishing your heart.

It left her disarmed if not pointless. Naked in bed she suddenly felt dirty, vaguely remorseful even though the time passing by had taught her how to ignore the urge of her conscious.

The pain began to boil in her stomach then rushed with strength to her eyes. Sometimes she managed to swallow it back and it faded away like gray clouds pushed by the wind towards other skies.

And when it didn't work…

Like a pearl sliding down her face and warming up her eyes; one after another, the tears ran on her skin before vanishing in her neck and she stayed there, alone; sobbing in silence before her harsh failures.

Then it came back again, in the middle of her emotional chaos and she closed her eyes; clenched her fists.

"If only Stanley could die."

In the meantime Will stepped into a cab that drove away towards The Upper West Side. Grace waited for him, sat down on the sofa, reading some magazines. She didn't ask any detail and her silence troubled him.

She had guessed, not about Karen but about the fact that he was seeing someone.

"Sorry I was working at the office, preparing a meeting for tomorrow."

He loved his lies. They made him feel strong and Grace's absence of reaction pushed him to go further. Perhaps one day something would happen and he would stop.

"You must be tired then."

Her eyes; she was staring at him with a controlled anger. No, she wasn't angry but confused. She had probably already overcome the stage of impulsivity and her rage had turned into a silent pain for being put aside.

It was the only reason he had found to explain the fact that she didn't even try to speak about her doubts towards his personal life. She must have sensed that it wasn't like the other times.

"I am…"

Will sat down next to Grace and stretched out his arms. His cell phone vibrated. He could feel Grace's eyes on him, heavy and sad.

Leaning over the coffee table he grabbed his phone. Pretending to be at ease was easy, way too easy for someone who spent his days working on appearances.

_Message from Karen_

Even at the sight of her name Will remained perfectly calm. The circumstances didn't have to catch him up back, never. Besides, she could have sent him a message without sharing his private life.

He pressed the key and the little envelop got substituted by the words she had just typed.

_Let's just call it a night. Tonight was the last one._

"Is everything okay?"

Matter-of-factly he turned around and looked at Grace. She wasn't good at lying; her eyes were pleading him to tell the truth, at last. He opened his mouth to reply, took a deep breath but swallowed back the words and flashed a bright smile instead.


	3. What's in her head

**_Give me a reason to love you_**

**_Give me a reason to be a woman_**

**_I just wanna be a woman_**

**Portishead, Glory Box**

Squeezing his waist with her legs, feeling him respond almost immediately to her touch and the heat of his body running along hers; she loved it. His lips left her mouth as he buried his face in her neck. She pushed him closer, ran her hand through his hair. His tongue was playing with her skin, caressing it softly enough to drive her completely crazy. Her breath shortened, she swallowed hard and suddenly opened her eyes.

She pushed him away.

"No…"

The tone of her voice was all but convincing, only an invisible whisper where her morals tried to find a way to win over the rest, all her desires.

Vaguely perplexed Will stared at her and remained still for a couple of seconds. He seemed lost, surprised and unsure of what should be his next movement. She took advantage of his moment of doubt to stand up and pace the living-room. She stopped by the door leading to the terrace, leaned against it.

"So… What are we supposed to do now?"

His question hit her heart and made it break into pieces, slowly enough so that she got the best of her pain. His behavior was fair though at the end, logical. She had always let him understand that she wanted him for sex so why would he ever come to think about her for anything else?

They weren't friends but lovers. No, rectification; they used to be friends, had crossed the limits and now that she had asked for a break nothing was left of their relationship. They had forgotten about speaking and enjoying each other's presence. It was all about moans, caresses and silent feelings.

She had told him that it was over a thousandth time. From the very first time she had found herself naked in front of him to the text message she had sent the previous week but she had never been able to handle the slightest separation more than ten days. Cigarettes and drinks didn't help.

She always ended up missing the taste of Will's skin under her lips.

Her eyes stared at him coldly but she didn't reply, way too anxious before the fact she might look upset.

"Karen, you jumped on…"

"I know. I still remember what I do, thank you."

She looked at him standing up, turning his back at her and leaving the room. Her heart began to speed up its pace as her throat turned dry. She loved arguing with him, it was terribly exciting, almost as much as a deep and sensual kiss but her frustration before her failed decisions brought an odd balance to the scene.

"I'm late."

It stopped him immediately. Will turned around; frowned.

"Then if you have an appointment why did you come here in the first place?"

A pale smile lit up her lips but it didn't even last a second and so it passed unnoticed. Her eyes widened. She started shaking.

"I am not speaking about this kind of things."

It seemed that vulnerability had suddenly wrapped up her body and she had fallen into a dizzy whirl of fragility. Her voice hadn't handled it very well and all her fear had showed up almost unexpectedly. She swallowed hard.

Will's eyes followed an odd instinct and he looked down at her stomach then frowned; shook his head.

"Aren't you on the pill?"

Another slap, another pain hitting her heart; they had been sleeping together for a year now and he had no idea of who she really was. Did he even care at the end?

"Yes I am and I didn't forget to take it. I checked this morning…"

"Did you take a test?"

She shook her head, rolled her eyes. Invisible tears were dancing over her heart.

"It's too early. I'm only four days late."

"Then it might be a false alert."

"Yes… Technically… It's just that I'm never late. It's not me."

"Do you think…"

Will made a few steps towards her but didn't dare to reach her as if the slightest touch would contaminate him.

Something pushed her to abdicate and smile, an old self-defense solution that had never really worked out but still sounded reassuring somehow.

"No, of course not…"

She giggled and abandoned the door she had been leaned against as if her sudden movements would make things move on and be forgotten. She hadn't even planned to tell him because the truth was that it hadn't even crossed her mind that she could have been carrying his child. Until she confessed the problem out loud and it took all its strength, all of a sudden; violently.

She grabbed her coat, put it on and looked for her bag. Her gestures were nervous, her arms moving in a staccato effect that matched pretty well the lack of continuity of the ideas going on in her head.

"I'm sure there's absolutely nothing to worry about, really. I guess I should go. I have to go out with Stanley and the kids. See you tomorrow."

"Karen, wait!"

She jumped at the contact of his hand on her wrist but instead of replying, she waited for him to speak. Anyway she wasn't sure she would actually be able to articulate the slightest sound without bursting into tears.

"Are you sure… I mean maybe you should ask for…"

"What for since I told you that I was fine? Everything is fine, okay? I am not pregnant. Damn I wonder why I told you in the first place. I should have never done that."

"Well I guess I'm concerned and it's fair that I got to know…"

"But there's nothing to know, Will!"

"How can you be sure?"

"Because I know, that's all!"

Her rage rushed out from her lips in a hoarse scream, cold and controlled. For a couple of seconds none of them dared to speak, wrapped up in a silence that was too heavy to be broken.

She blinked.

"Because I know, Will…"

Karen left behind the bitter murmur of her lonely regret.


	4. Three weeks on Christmas time

**_From this time, unchained_**

**_We're all looking at a different picture_**

**_Thru this new frame of mind_**

**Portishead, Glory Box**

"You could make an effort."

Her eyes met his and she stared at him in silence. Her heart beat, three times. She stood up and left the room under his barely restrained sigh. She wasn't in the mood to pretend anything, even less to spend some time with his family.

"Where are you going to? They will be here within a minute now."

"Fuck them all."

The murmur slid on her lips and hit Rosario's face with a bitter pain. The door got slammed, she felt relieved. A second more in the penthouse and she would have ended up screaming that no, it wasn't right; that her life was twirling down in a whirl of lies and she was scared to crash. Leaving before it being too late had seemed the best she could have done; more or less.

"Good evening, Mrs. Walker."

She vaguely smiled at the doorman but didn't stop until she reached the sidewalk and realized that she had nowhere to go. The wind was icy, penetrating. Huddling, she regretted not to have taken a fur coat instead of the raincoat she was wearing now. The winter was coming, she just had noticed it.

"Oh, sorry…"

Someone bumped into her _ a woman in her thirties _ and grabbed her arm to be sure that the damages were only superficial. In other circumstances, Karen would have loved throwing a fit but for whatever reason she simply looked down at the asphalt then nodded.

Christmas time and the streets were crowded of families and people happy to live, their bright smiles lighting up their sparkling eyes for being with their beloved ones; she looked around at them and felt terribly lonely.

"A large green tea, please…"

The place was noisy, extremely hot and the neon blinding. A child was crying somewhere in the background and whenever someone moved on his chair, the contact of the wood with the tiles pierced her ears; made her shiver.

"Take away or…"

"No, stay here…"

She turned around, mug in hand, and hurried to the last available table. It was a small one in a corner, vaguely hidden; away from the rest of the world. She sat down.

People were coming and going constantly, the door giving access to the wind in a whirl of snow through the entrance but nobody seemed to care. They were all plunged in their activities with a delectation she had forgotten a very long while ago.

The tea burned her throat. She closed her eyes, swallowed hard.

She could feel his hands on her. One day they hadn't made it to the bed. He had pushed her against the door of the hotel room and they had had sex there in the most carnal way ever. She had never felt so aroused by his lips on her skin, his fingers running on her thighs. Then they had broken apart _ breathless _ and a sentiment of emptiness had invaded her mind abruptly.

From then on Karen had understood that she would always need Will by her side if she wanted to feel fine, alive.

Three weeks now, three weeks without feeling his heart beat against the palm of her hand and the heat of his smile in her mouth; she missed him.

"Is this seat taken?"

A low voice broke her dreams into pieces. She immediately opened her eyes and came to face a dark-haired man wearing an elegant, quite expensive coat. She shook her head and let him take the chair away. Instinctively she observed him doing so, following from her seat his movements through the crowd.

She froze.

Will was waiting for him on the other side of the coffee shop.

Within a second she turned her head in the opposite direction and growled against the heat running up her cheeks.

Karen Walker wasn't supposed to be alone, never. As a matter of fact Karen Walker had such a restrictive list of attitudes to follow that sometimes she wondered why she minded to breathe at all. Life was easier when it stopped to be.

She caught his reflection in the window by her side; the way he kissed the other man.

Her cell phone vibrated in her bag. She rolled her eyes, exasperated before Stanley's obvious call. His cousins had probably arrived and he needed her to fool his audience. She grabbed her phone and frowned. Her husband never sent a text message, barely called her either but he had a thing against those so-called short missives.

It was from Will.

Very slowly she turned her head and looked at him. He was holding his cell phone, obviously waiting for her answer; barely paying attention to his acolyte.

She opened the message.

_I'm bored. _

Her hesitation lasted a couple of seconds.

_Meet me in five minutes on 47th._

She didn't finish her tea, simply grabbed her coat and rushed outside before tears of frustration and failure began to run down her cheeks. The cold hit her almost unexpectedly but she kept on walking until she reached the corner of the right street.

She leaned against the wall of a building, hands in her pockets as she studying him pacing down the avenue in her direction.

He finally reached her. She melt under his kiss.


	5. About losing someone

**_A thousand flowers could bloom_**

**_Move over, and give us some room_**

**Portishead, Glory Box**

Her foot caressed her ankle. Leaning against the wall, she opened her eyes wider, restrained a sigh of fatigue. But all of a sudden flashbacks of the previous evening rushed to her mind and began to trouble her quiet thoughts. It was more about sensations, like the softness of his hands sliding along her skin or the heat of his breath coming to embrace her breasts.

She bit her lower lip as an instinctive smile appeared on them. The only rule her reminiscence had to follow was that it would never take place somewhere else than in her head.

"You're blushing."

"I'm exhausted."

From her stool Grace looked at her with perplexity. Shopping was one of her favorite activities, she wasn't supposed to get over it; never. Within a second she realized her mistake and swallowed back the awkwardness it had stirred up. She motioned at the room with a vague motion of her hand.

"There are way too many people… Christmas time is boring and exhausting."

It worked, more or less. Grace didn't insist and took a sip of her hot chocolate instead. The place was crowded, noisy and oppressive. She had wanted to head to The Four Seasons in the first place but her legs had suddenly refused to carry her any longer and so they had stayed at Macy's. The permanent brouhaha in the background actually rocked her to sleep but since closing her eyes led her directly into some more fantasy about Will, she tried to make her best in order to resist. Things were going a little too crazy lately between the two of them and she didn't like it.

Since the episode of the café she had seen him almost every day, throwing to hell her self-promises of a fairer life by Stanley's side. Perhaps she wasn't made to be faithful at the end. After all she had always ended up in someone else's arms during all of her relations. Will was just another one, a strong and addictive affair but the day she divorced Stan, the excitement would be over and so she would turn her back and leave; as usual.

Divorce; the idea made her jump. She looked down, uncomfortable and confused. She had never thought about it before, even less included it in some certainty that would match her scandalous way of life, a failed one.

"Are you pregnant?"

"Excuse me?"

The question took her completely aback. Grace seemed so calm, so matter-of-factly that it was intimidating and for the very first time Karen felt weak before her friend.

"I asked you if you were pregnant. You seem to be tired when you're used to being full of energy."

"I'm not pregnant, no. It's just that this whole family spirit gets on my nerves and I'm not the same, then."

No baby, no plan; it had only been a false alert, probably the thousandth one. The novelty was that she hadn't even needed to buy a test this time.

"I'm losing Will."

She restrained a gasp as Grace's desperate gaze landed on her. The lack of transition between her eventual pregnancy and the last confession had been abrupt, completely unexpected. But the distress of her friend's face prevented Karen from laughing. She swallowed hard instead, moved nervously on her stool.

"What do you mean? I didn't know you had argued."

"We haven't."

Grace's short reply only brought contribution to the coldness of the conversation. Karen sighed, raised an eyebrow. Her mind had speeded up its pace, trying to find a way to act as if she didn't care, like all the other times when she hadn't tasted Will's lips on hers yet.

"Then what are you talking about?"

"He's seeing someone."

Light laugh, vaguely bitter but not too much; she shrugged.

"Like it's the first time Will dates…"

"I think it's a woman."

Even if she had been warned about her friend's reply, Karen couldn't have helped freezing; and her fingers around her glass, shaking slowly.

"What makes you think such a thing? He's gay!"

"Because he's moving in perpetual lies… He doesn't tell me the truth and keeps on hiding whatever he's doing by night. We used to be close. It's over now."

The vodka hit her throat a bit too quickly and she made a face, restrained a cough. She didn't ask Grace how she had come to such conclusions. The reasons she had just given were enough, matching perfectly the past Grace had shared with Will, why he would stay quiet over a feminine presence by his side.

The world seemed so fragile suddenly.

"He might just be waiting for the right moment. You know, be sure that this person isn't just a fling or something."

Grace shook her head and smiled bitterly. Her fingers were caressing her mug in an absent-minded motion that emphasized the sensation her heart had decided to keep on beating only for a light brought by a very old past.

"You see Karen… The problem with Will is that I know him by heart. He could lie over and over that it wouldn't change the slightest thing. I can read through his eyes. And he knows how I would react if he happened to tell me that he's dating a woman."

Grace stopped halfway, took a deep breath as if the words were so painful that she needed time to let them come out. She locked her eyes with Karen's.

"He's in love with this woman."


	6. Some days are easier to live in the dark

**_Give me a reason to love you_**

**_Give me a reason to be a woman_**

**_I just wanna be a woman_**

**Portishead, Glory Box**

A drop of sweat ran down her spine. She arched her back, swallowed hard. His lips came to brush her throat and a moan escaped from her mouth. Her voice was hoarse when she was on the verge of losing control of herself and the intensity of her feelings took her away with a boiling warmness that seemed to change her perception of life.

She felt so fine by then.

Turning her head around, she captured his lips and kissed him deeply.

The first time she had kissed a boy, she had just turned thirteen. The truth was that she had completely forgotten his name, as well as his face. Too shy to make the first step _ moving perpetually from a state to another hadn't strengthened her temper, on the contrary _ she had been nourished by the idea of the romantic scenes she could see in movies and the way people tended to describe it.

As soon as your lips made contact with someone else's, a sort of chemistry set off in the depths of your body; not a sentiment of well-being but a sort of warm evidence and you succumbed almost immediately.

It hadn't worked at all for her. She hadn't liked it, not even felt the slightest boiling sensation warming up her lower stomach. It had been awkward, quick and disappointing. The years would have passed by and she would have kept on kissing guys, hoping desperately for a urge coming from her heart.

At thirty-eight years old, she could finally say that Will was the first one to make her feel alive.

She lay down on her stomach as his kisses went down her back, slowly. His breath was hot against her skin, reassuring and exciting at the same time. He reached her buttocks, she sighed.

_He's in love with this woman._

Grace's words rushed to her mind and she restrained a gasp. Three days had passed by since the disturbing confession at Macy's and she hadn't stopped thinking of it, barely closed an eye by night. It seemed that her brain had been invaded by an ocean of doubts and she wandered now through the darkness of her mind.

"Have you ever been told that you were the lucky owner of a perfect ass?"

She turned her head around and looked at Will leaned up on his elbows, a mischievous grin on his face. Her lovers had hardly been so crude with her. She tried to hide her surprise before the boldness of the comment and smiled back at him. Could he really be in love with her and come up with such a speech?

"What are your feelings for me?"

She bit her lips almost instantly as if she could swallow back the words and erase her question. Had she sounded desperate, romantic? Will didn't seem to be bothered at all. His left hand went up her leg and came to rest on her inner thigh.

"Where should I begin…"

Within a second his tongue was caressing her earlobe. His voice sounded soft, a bit breathless.

"You drive me crazy, Kare."

A chill ran down her spine and she swallowed hard. She hadn't thought that his confession would ever be arousing but it was and she silently asked for more, kissing his neck.

"I need to feel your curves under my hands, the heat of your body against mine."

His lips were now on her shoulder blades as his hand was teasing her between her legs.

"Do you love me?"

He never froze, never looked uncomfortable. Instead of putting an abrupt end to his ministrations, he simply moved up and locked his eyes with hers.

"You're a kind of dizzy addiction."

Will left a couple of hours later and as usual, the slam of the door made her feel bad; confused. She counted until fifteen, got up and headed to the bathroom. She didn't turn the lights on. Crossing the reflection of her face in the mirror would have been too hard and she didn't want to cry, not even to feel better after as she used to.

The water ran in the tub and when she finally sat down on it, her flesh warmed up suddenly, unexpectedly.

What if Grace was right about Will? It was an affair, a pure love affair. Feelings weren't supposed to be part of it.

She plunged under the water, closed her eyes as her hair followed the movement like a wave of darkness sticking to her head, to her brain.

It was just supposed to be an escape from a world she had never understood very well. They met at the hotel, had sex and finally came back into the routine of their lives. She might care about him but only because he was a friend and that was all. She wasn't allowed to go too far.

Twenty minutes later Karen stepped into a cab and let New York speed past in front of her blank gaze. Why did she always have the feeling that nothing sounded right?

Stanley was already in bed when she entered the mansion. As a matter of fact, the whole house was plunged in the dark. She turned on her right and walked silently to the last door at the end of the corridor then grabbed a key in her bag.

She entered the room, locked behind her and didn't bother to turn the lights on either. But this time it wasn't because of a mirror through which she could have studied the shame sparkling in her eyes. No, she just couldn't face properly her painful past.

The shadow of the crib showed in the darkness of the night. She abandoned her coat on it and carefully sat down on the rocking chair. She leaned her head backwards, closed her eyes.

Some days were easier to live in the dark.


	7. Ten years in March

**_So don't you stop being a man_**

**_Just take a little look from our side when you can_**

**Portishead, Glory Box**

The curve was well-defined now. Probably seven months and a half, it owned a perfection that strangely matched different criteria of beauty, simpler ones. The fabric was tensed over the skin, sliding though along the legs with elegance. The clothes were expensive. She took care of herself and as much as Karen didn't like clichés, she had to recognize that the woman was glowing.

"Do you want some water or an herbal tea?"

She didn't offer caffeine, even less alcohol. The truth was that she was intimidated, charmed and sad at the same time. Seeing other pregnant women always brought back a thousand painful memories that seemed to be sticking to her heart a bit too hard.

"No thank you, I'm fine."

Karen nodded.

She felt like being a part of it; no mattered what it really meant. She felt like holding the woman's hand, telling her a million things then laugh, smile; share something that she had never really managed to reach herself.

From all her failings, having a child tended to be the worst one she had to face every hour; night and day.

"When are you due?"

"Oh, in February… We still have so many things to do though. I hope she will wait long enough for us to be fully prepared. The nursery is almost finished but the rest is… Well, I guess I prefer not to think about it too much!"

The woman laughed heartedly. She was happy. It was so obvious that you ended up contaminated by her joy too. Karen smiled back, shyly.

"Have you agreed on a name yet?"

"Sophia… I know it's kind of classic but it was my grandmother's name and… She died when I was five. I don't remember her very well but from wherever she is, I know she will be touched by it."

The explanation made Karen frown. She was perplexed for lacking family roots and she never really understood people's choices over the pride of some grandparents, a special relative. Her father had died and her life had broken into pieces. There was nothing else to add.

She had had to build her own identity from nothing but a regretted past, a tragic end.

"Does she move a lot?"

Her perpetual questions made her blush but the woman didn't seem to take it bad. She was probably used to them now, even glad to be the center of some attention for carrying on the sign of life.

"It's quite exhausting now. At the beginning, I was amazed every time she did. But she gained weigh and it hurts my back pretty badly. I'm looking forward to seeing her, at last. I just hope everything will be alright."

"Is it your first child?"

"No but… I lost the previous one."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. It's not your fault anyway. Besides, look at me today! We're all allowed to have a second chance at some point in our existence."

No, it wasn't true. Some people kept on facing failures then all of a sudden everything stopped and they stayed there, alone; empty. Life wasn't fair to everyone.

Karen looked down and swallowed hard, clenched her fists. She wasn't supposed to cry.

The woman didn't notice her distress and sighed heavily, stretching her arms on her chair.

"Well at least I haven't been sick this time!"

Grace entered the office at this exact moment but stopped halfway on the doorframe, cut by Karen's reply.

"You're very lucky. I wish I could have said the same but my first semester has only been a series of morning sickness."

"Oh, you have a child?"

Karen realized it was too late to come backwards unless she just couldn't for being too weak and who cared anyway since she would never see the client again once the project would be over? She shrugged, nodded and murmured.

"It'll be ten years in March."

This time Grace entered properly, troubled by her friend's confession but for whatever reason she pretended that everything was alright.

"You can have your lunch break, Karen. I'm back."

"Sure…"

Karen put her coat on, grabbed her bag and smiled at the client before leaving.

"Merry Christmas…"

She didn't wait for the elevator. She took the stairs instead, succumbing to the urge to be active because she was afraid that if she stopped moving, the whole world would fall apart and she would be the only one to survive. She reached the hall and speeded up her pace; passed the front doors.

It was snowing outside.

She turned on her left. She was almost running now. She pushed the door of an Italian restaurant where she was supposed to meet Jack. She didn't ask for a table but went straight to the bathroom, locked the door behind her and finally allowed herself to breathe again.

Her back crashed against the wall. She let go of her bag. Very slowly her legs refused to carry her and she slid down on the floor while the tears began to well up in her eyes.

Images of the pregnant woman were twirling in her head, poisoning her mind of old regrets and pains. The joy sparkling in her eyes, the perfect curves of her stomach and the hopes for a better life; she had believed in it also once. She had dared to.

And she shouldn't have done that.

Because now she was there, sat down on the floor of the toilets of a restaurant with the sensation that she had missed out her whole life; for being married to Stan, for never having felt really alive.

And the only thing that made her smile was the reminiscence of Will's kisses on her thighs.


	8. That's life

**_Show a little tenderness_**

**_No matter if you cry_**

**Portishead, Glory Box**

The evening had turned into a sweet torture, a sort of foreplays they wouldn't need when they closed the door behind them and released the tension of their bodies. She had been waiting for it all day long, moving constantly her eyes over his least gestures. In Jack's arms, dreaming of nothing but being in his, she had devoured his soul in silence and pretended that there was nothing to be told. Life simply went on under a thousand secret lies.

The warmness ran up her spine and spread around her neck. She swallowed hard, smiled and sighed, her head leaned backwards; the palm of her hand on his stomach. Her chest was moving up and down, trying desperately to catch some air. She finally collapsed against his shoulder, caressed his skin of her swollen lips. His fingers tightened their grip on her waist.

The hours had been passing by and Jack hadn't seemed to feel like going back to his place. The truth was that they had genuinely had a great time. The dinner had gone smoothly, they had laughed, talked and when midnight had come up they had rushed to open their presents with a vague sparkling flame in their eyes.

But she had wanted one and just one thing all along: the heat of Will's body against her skin.

She smiled against his mouth as she kissed him deeply.

"Merry Christmas, honey…"

It made him laugh, for whatever reason. Within a second Will grabbed her waist firmly and she rolled on her side. A strand of hair fell in front of her eyes, he pushed it away.

"Would you like to stay the whole night?"

She restrained a gasp but couldn't help blushing. She looked down, intimidated. As she opened her mouth to reply, her eyes caught up the glimpse of her wedding ring. The diamonds had been weighing a lot around her finger lately.

"Unless Stanley…"

"I thought you would never ask, honey."

She cut him mid-sentence with the urge of regret. Will's brown gaze searched for her hazel one.

So many things could be told in the silence of desperate, shiny eyes.

She woke up the first but didn't take time to observe him in the early morning. From experience she knew that it was the best moment _ the worst _ to let some feelings take possession of your mind and then you couldn't help but crash.

She sat up, turned around and looked by the window. The snow was slowly falling over the city in a quiet ballet of whiteness and all of a sudden Karen felt like that life had been suspended for everything being so silent; buried under a ton of thick appearances.

She stood up and closed the door of the bathroom behind.

Hot drops of water began to slide down her curves, coming to die in the depths of her back; along her thighs. She closed her eyes and abandoned herself to the suave sensation of the shower on her skin waking her up little by little.

A hand grabbed her waist and came to rest on her lower stomach unexpectedly. She jumped, swallowed a scream.

"Damn, you scared me!"

But Will's lips were already on her nape and very slowly she abdicated, invaded by a strong sentiment of well-being.

She shouldn't have stayed. When he had asked her about it, in the middle of the night, she should have turned him down and left because now she was trapped. They had never shared a whole night together. It was the first time, just when she was wondering about Will's feelings towards her and the urge to save her marriage from another crisis _ perhaps the fatal one she was dreading _ was making its way through her mind.

They had just reached another stage. It didn't have to happen again.

That must be why she decided to go out. At least far from Will's flat the oppressive sensation stirred up by her past choices wouldn't be so hard to bear. In public she would barely dare to look at him. Sure they had kissed once against the wall of an old building but most of the times a natural distance showed up between the two of them and as much as she was dying to hold his hand or feel the heat of his skin against hers, she knew that on this delicate morning, it was the best thing to do in order to feel relieved, even falsely.

"Come on, hurry up!"

As soon as she had reached the gates of Central Park Karen had started running through the snow. The ice was cracking under her feet, stifling the sound of her shoes on the ground. It reminded her of Illinois when she used to run around the park as a child during the winter. Her sister would follow, yelling after her but she didn't mind at all because she felt so fine for being alone.

Times had changed.

She stopped under a tree and twirled around, her arms wide open.

"What are you doing, Kare?"

The park was spinning around and she kept on laughing hard. Something had happened between Riverside Drive and the little square she was occupying now. She wouldn't have been able to say what but it made her feel light.

Perplexed, Will was staying still a few feet away.

"I'm just fine!"

And she was. For the very first time in a long while, Karen was fine. She had stopped playing a role and the world looked better now, easier if possible.

She lost her balance and fell on her back, taken away by a row of laughter. The snow vaguely flew under her weight. She stared at the sky. It was blue.

Very slowly she tended her hand on the ground and opened her palm to the cloudless sky, inviting Will's fingers to intertwin hers. She pressed them tightly while he lay down by her side. A murmur stole her smile.

"I'm fine."

She closed her eyes, thought about Stan who had gone away to The Bahamas.

One, two, three; she began to cry and flashed a bright smile.

_That's life._


	9. Karen's misunderstandings

**_Give me a reason to love you_**

**_Give me to be a woman_**

**_I just wanna be a woman_**

**Portishead, Glory Box**

She had known it from the very beginning but instead of avoiding it, she let an odd fate take possession of them. Perhaps it was time to put an end to everything and it sounded like fate, then. Deep inside herself, she couldn't but also recognized that she was exhausted.

Playing a game when there wasn't any victory to reach had always sounded absurd. She had only lost faith to finally abdicate and kneel down before her loud failure.

She had awoken in the morning with a weight on her heart. She wasn't sick, not particularly sad either. A year had simply passed by and she had got older. The vitality that once had inhabited her soul was fading away little by little, stealing her hopes; burying her desires.

She had had breakfast, left for work and leafed through some fashion magazine as if the pointless gestures of a bitterly beloved routine would ever manage to ease what was coming.

Lying to herself would always be easier, anyway.

He didn't call, didn't send any message. When Grace's lunch break arrived, he didn't show up at the office and it actually made her feel better. But it was just a matter of time.

They were supposed to meet in the evening when the rest of the city succumbed to a dry darkness that tended to release their inhibitions for the absence of light making them pass unnoticed or so. She had no reason to see him earlier in the day. There wasn't any dinner, anything. It sounded almost perfect to put an end to their relationship.

She didn't come up with a plan, barely thought about it. The strange sentiment sticking to her mind was enough to accompany her throughout the last hours of what looked like an imminent failed trial.

She simply wondered why she might have held some hopes and for what.

"Don't tell me you're again falling into one of those stupid diets."

First sentence of the day from Stanley and its dryness made her feel sad. From the other end of the oak table, Karen put down her napkin and swallowed hard. She shook her head but avoided her husband's gaze. The clock stuck eight thirty; she wished she could have died.

The lightness of Christmas day had slowly turned into a veil of dark doubts, a shameful realization that this time they had gone too far. She had tried from then on, focalized on being detached from the way Will's hands were caressing her body; his lips abandoning a trail of kisses on her thighs.

But it hadn't worked out.

"I have to go now."

"Oh…"

Weirdly enough Stanley sounded surprised. She looked at him while standing up, stopped and narrowed her eyes. His reaction was confusing unless it was the first time she actually realized that he might have feelings, a beating heart.

"Have a good night."

"I love you, Kare."

His words stopped her. She leaned on the doorframe, looked down and smiled.

"No you don't but it's alright."

Her whisper came to die in the harshness of real life.

She paid the taxi driver and stepped out of the car. The Gramercy Park Hotel was shining in the night, imposing but subtly beautiful as if any kind of grandiloquence would have ruined its majesty. Perhaps it was the key of existence; to act quietly without looking for attention and envy.

She entered the suite, tipped the employee and sat down on the bed waiting for Will. The palms of her hands were resting on the mattress but in spite of the relaxing position, she could feel them shaking.

Why did everything have to come to an end?

Will came in. She looked up at him.

As much as Karen had certainties, what happened next proved her that she obviously still had to learn a lot of things.

A pale smile lit up her features as she locked her eyes with his.

"The scar on your stomach… Did you have a baby once?"

She froze and felt dizzy. Her hands turned around, clenched the bedspread as her heart speeded up its pace dangerously. He hadn't looked anxious while coming in, on the contrary. His quietness had been the one for which she had been falling all along.

But now she wondered how good he could be at pretending.

"Karen, answer to me. Did you have a baby?"

His tone of voice didn't own the slightest bit of anger; it sounded fragile, confused and lost. But it wasn't reassuring enough and she started panicking.

"What happened to you, Karen? Why are you always so quiet over a time you obviously don't manage to forget and even less to face?"

"Who tells you that I didn't cope with it?"

She hadn't meant to be harsh but her self-defense was automatic whenever someone dared to speak about her past. She stood up in the hope to gain some height and seriousness before him. Her whole body was shaking as her heart was collapsing like a house of cards pushed away by a soft breeze. She had always been too weak.

"You wouldn't be so secretive if you had made the peace with it. I thought you trusted me."

"Why big news, Will; I'm just a fucking heartless bitch."

She grabbed her coat and headed towards the door but his hand on her wrist stopped her halfway. She looked down, murmured coldly.

"Don't ever dare to touch me again. Do you hear me?"

He let go of her and she rushed out through the corridor, stepped in the street.

Why do people never understand that when she talked, she meant the exact opposite?


	10. By his side

**_This is the beginning of forever and ever_**

**_It's time to move over_**

**Portishead, Glory Box**

The satin of her dress moved with fluidity under the pale lights of the main terrace as she leaned against the wall and observed the skylines spreading in front of her. They hadn't organized anything outside for the winter being so cold. And far from the crowd, Karen felt vaguely less lonely now.

Not even twenty-four hours had passed by since she had stormed out of the hotel, leaving Will in a probable state of confusion. She had overreacted and knew it but the accumulated tension of the past year had ended up exploding. Then she had used any kind of excuse to put an end to their story, fairly or not. The fact was that she had never learned how to break up with someone. Resolving a problem mainly consisted in going away and leaving it behind; pretending that it had never happened and life went on, almost smoothly.

One day the wound would stop bleeding over her tired heart.

"Please don't go away this time."

Will's voice made her jump. She turned around, stared at him. They had argued the day before but of course he was supposed to attend the party that Stanley was hosting. She had dreaded this moment all day long, almost decided to go away to their cabin in Vermont at the last minute. But then she had crossed her gaze in the mirror of her bathroom and escaping hadn't appeared like the right solution anymore.

"I won't."

She couldn't support his eyes on hers any longer and so she came back to a blank observation of the lights of Manhattan. She owed him an explanation if not a real excuse. She owed him her life but some things simply couldn't be said out loud.

So she closed her eyes.

"Ten years ago my husband died. His cancer had been diagnosed way too late. They couldn't do a lot except ease his pain, just a bit. I went through the administrative papers for a long while and… Of course it had crossed my mind but I had only thought that it was because of the emotional shock. You know how it works; some bad news and your body doesn't answer the way it should. But this time it turned out that I was pregnant."

Someone stepped out on the terrace and lit up a cigarette. From the corner of her eyes, Karen studied the stranger as he crossed her path but kept on walking towards the other side; the one that overlooked Central Park.

"I have always wanted a child. I'm not that different from the other women, you know. But I needed the father by my side so I decided that I wouldn't keep it. There would be plenty of other times…"

All of a sudden she turned towards Will and for the very first time since she had started speaking, she locked her eyes with his.

"I didn't have the guts to go through an abortion. I guess I was in love with my late husband and this baby was the only souvenir left from him. So against all expectations I went through the pregnancy, on my own. Nobody got to know, not even my family. For seven months and a half I lived secluded in The Hamptons until one morning… I had had contractions for a while but they were apparently part of the deal. This time it had nothing to do. The pain was sharp, pressing on my lower back as if I were being stabbed. It wasn't a miscarriage, no. I had just got into labor way too early. I arrived at the hospital and they detected that the baby was in distress. It couldn't breathe properly. I went for a c-section but things got worse."

"Oh Karen…"

"No, please… Don't say you're sorry. This is ridiculous; it's not your fault. Things happen and that's life. I'm okay now."

Her last sentence sent chills down her spine and she shivered; her glass of Champagne in hand. But she didn't find the courage to add the slightest thing without it sounding like a lie, a bitter one.

"Was it a girl or a boy?"

She shrugged. Weirdly enough she had thought that speaking about it would be relieving but it was the exact opposite. She was dying for Will's arms around her frame but she couldn't ask for it.

"I don't know. I refused to see it... I never got pregnant again, only false alerts; a ton of them."

A few seconds flew away before she felt his hand suddenly pressed hers. It sounded right. She began to wonder.

"Maybe it's not too late and we could…"

"I'm married, Will."

Automatically she turned her head around and saw Stanley through the French windows. He was laughing with some man, padding his back warmly. Her heart kept on beating, normally.

"But you're not in love with him."

"Marriage is made of compromises. You will learn about it one day, when your turn comes up."

"You asked me once about my feelings…"

The word made her freeze but in an instinctive motion, she put her finger against his lips. They were warm, soft. She remembered their first kiss.

"I am not allowed to know about them. I should have never asked. We should have never started that… I might not be in love with Stanley but I have to stand by his side. I'm his wife."

Her fingertip slid down on his mouth. She closed her eyes, trying to keep in mind the shapes of his lips; for the last time. She turned around, left Will and their story behind in a murmur of sincere apologies.

"It's over now."

She spent the rest of evening by Stanley's side, wondering if she would ever stopped thinking that she had just missed out her life.

The end.


End file.
